Of CrackWh*ore and Big Fat Loser

I decided i'm not going to apologize for being gone so very long. I suck, that's all there is to it. Life has been all consuming the past couple of months.........I am going to attempt to fill you in, sometime in the next few posts. Hopefully. Yes, I have faith. Kinda. Well, not really, but it's fun to pretend. ANyhow.





Crackwh*re is still MIA but the loser dad of her kids has been caught red handed in some nasty business around town. Namely: Assault with a deadly weapon, witness tampering, meth production and distribution. At least they finally caught the idiot before he did actually kill someone. Read THIS.

Life in Iceland

Well, it's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when the moment you step outside your boogers freeze inside your nose. The time of year when you have to drive around the block two times before you can actually gain enough speed to make it up your driveway. That special time of year when it's 22 degrees BELOW zero.

I shouldn't bitch. Come July it'll be 107 degrees and i'll be just as pissed then as I am now. There is no happy medium in this 'last best place'. That's the state motto............"the last best place." Whoever thought that up was an idiot who had never tried to live here in the middle of January. In my opinion, the last best place would be Figi. Or Belize. Or Canada for craps sake. Anything but here.

Speaking of Belize.....my sister and her hubster are going with another couple in May. To Belize. I will be here with all the kiddos knee deep in playdough while they scuba dive, lounge on the beach, soak up the rays, drink fruity drinks and dance around in gauzy clothing. Something is not right with this picture.......

I've been busy. Aside from picking snot popsicles out of my nostrils, I have redone my upstairs bathroom. Yes, yes, people....more home improvement projects. New flooring........new paint. Looks mighty fine, if I do say so myself. I also got a new oven and refrigerator on Sunday. Why?? Because like all the other appliances in my life, as soon as I move somewhere, they kick the bucket.

So, I bring home this really nice, black, matching set of Whirlpool appliances and last night..........the first time I actually USED my oven......I had scalloped potatoes explode and boil over all over the place. So what did I do?? I turned on that handy little 'self clean' knob and away it went.

And then I smelled something funny. Like fire. Hot fire. Oh yes. Crimson had started her brand new oven on fire. I'm not talking small flickers of flame here, either. I'm talking huge, campfire, blazing hot fire. I quickly turned the oven off and attempted to open the oven door to help my oven regain it's composure when: The freakin' door wouldn't open because it automatically locks in 'oven clean' mode until the oven has cooled itself off. Nice. Now, tell me, oh smart ones: How the frick are you suppose to put out an oven fire when the door won't open??? And how is the oven suppose to get cool enough to allow the door to BE opened when there's a raging fire inside it??? Exactly. It was a long night. And now, I need to go scrape the innards of my BRAND NEW oven and hope it can be brought back to life.

And no, I'm not blonde.

I know you probably are dying to know all about what has been going on with the Cheetah family. There has been much drama since I last talked about them a few months ago........there is no way I can fill you in on every detail. I'll spare you the long drawn out version and try to sum it up.

#1. Travis called me upset one night at 11:00 because his mom and dad had "gone Xmas shopping" and been gone all night. It was late, he was getting scared, and he didn't know where they were. To make a long story short, I got ahold of her the next morning and ripped her a new one. I flat out told her the next time she abandoned her child I would call the police and Travis wouldn't be there waiting for her when she decided to come home. Things were chilly for awhile around here whilst dealing with her. It was a beautiful thing.....to be able to be so fired up and actually holler at her. Anyhow.

#2. They bought the house in Looneyville that they were looking at right about the time I moved. It is about 15 miles from me, but those 15 miles take about 45 minutes to drive. Needless to say I haven't seen much of T except on weekends. He's in a new school and seems to like it ok.

#3. Mr. Cheetahs children from his first marriage are now living here. They are horrid, evil little things and I despise them. They are mean to Trav and the Cheetahs show favoritism in a way that would make your blood boil. It's awful, really-truly, it is. They are bad influences and are now spending all their free time at the Cheetahs. I'm hoping it's a phase and that soon they will be bored and Trav won't be so caught in the middle.

#4. Mrs. Cheetah called me one day to go to lunch. I politely declined. *GAG* I asked her why she wasn't at work and she said she had called in and told them she fell off her porch and hurt her wrist. See what a loser she is? Anyways, the next night I had to go get Travis because she had FALLEN OFF HER PORCH AND BROKEN HER WRIST! She had to get some x rays and was at ER quite awhile before being sent home in a 1/2 cast thingy.............I told her she deserved it, and she laughed and thought it was funny. Yeah, that's what i'm dealing with here.

SO, that's the summed up version. Since blogger ate my big post, this will hafta do.

The Purist of Pee

So I said I wouldn't talk politics anymore. I lied, shoot me.

I simply don't understand what is so difficult about some of these issues being discussed. Common sense seems to have flown completely out the window when it comes to taking control of the world. By now, you should all know that I have all the answers. That being said, there is something that's really so easy to fix....I can't believe no one else has figured it out. Once again, I should be president.

While cooking dinner, I had to listen to some news channel drone on and on about the health care crisis in America. After 10 minutes of drifting in and out of another political induced coma.....I was slapping my dishrag around and hollerin' to beat the band.

It goes something like this:

If Big Red has to have piss tests to get his paycheck (Which he is actually working for ) and qualify for OUR health insurance...........then so should everyone standing in a welfare line, or who is dependent on Medicaid for their health care. Period.

I guarantee if receiving your welfare benefit or health insurance was dependent upon having a clean piss test..........well, America would have a few more bucks to spend. You wanna have five babies, have your college paid for, let the government foot the bill for your groceries and daycare, AND you wanna smoke crack?? Sorry. Ain't happenin'.

You wanna have five babies, have your college paid for, let the government foot the bill for your groceries and daycare?? Then you better straighten up and fly right.

Is it REALLY that hard? I know I sound like a callous, hardened, disillusioned, right wing extremist. I'm not. I just think if you wanna get your paycheck you should have to pass the mandatory piss test. If you really need help, a leg up, a stepping stone.......i'll be the first to help. If you're just a loser who wants to spend your 1st-of-the-month check on Twinkies and dime bags..............you SHOULD, at least in America, be shit out of luck as far as i'm concerned.

See?? Easy fix to an evidently huge problem. Pee in the cup, problem solved.

WTF

I just sat here for 40 minutes with an entire Cheetah post, and it is nowhere to be found. I thought BLogger automatically saved this shit now!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????


Someone shoot me. Please.

Game On

Ok, some people have way too much time on their hands.

This is really cool.

Dumpster Divin'

The other day I had nephew #2 and nephew #3 in the car. I had to stop by mom's work and drop something off and I was flying through the intersection so fast that I missed my turn. By some luck of the garbage gods, I had to take the alley and drive around the building.

As I passed a few dumpsters, I saw something up ahead catch my eye. I set of 4 really cool black/distressed/weathered dining chairs with toile fabric on the seats. I was interested enough to slow down and take a better look....but was pressed for time so I ran into the store and planned on taking a better look when I was done with my mom.

Errand accomplished, I tootled back down the alley. I stopped the van, popped the trunk, hopped out and started inspecting. ( I admit I was oblivious that the kids were still in the car) Anyhow, as i'm poking around the dumpster checking out the goods....I hear nephew #2 say:

"Auntie .....why awh you diggin' in those peoples gawbage?"

"Um, I'm just lookin' at these chairs, honey"

"Auntie.....awh you gonna TAKE theywah gawbage?!!!"

"Mmm, maybe!"

"Auntie.....Do you have to pay fowah it?"

"Uh, no. Garbage is free. Isn't that awesome?!"

Yes, I took one of those chairs. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. And my poor nephew is scarred for life. Never in his poor priviledged life could he imagine that you could take someones garbage. I am so proud I could provide him with his first dumpster divin' experience. One of these days i'm sure i'll be grounded from watching other people's children.

I have a humongo post about the Cheetah Sheets but it'll have to wait. I know, the suspense is killin' ya.